thepowerofme

First off, I would like to say I am sorry to all my wonderful readers.  I have not been able to post much due to the fact of the busy evenings with city council stuff.  Man being the mayor of even a small town is a logistical nightmare.  I have been getting an average of four hours of sleep most nights until last night.  After watching one of my favorite T.V. shows “Criminal Minds” I told my wife that I was going to bed for a while.  That was around 5pm, finally got my backside out of bed this morning at 3:30 to work on my entrecard drops, man never slept that long in a very long time.  Must of needed it because I’m rearing and ready to get back to my blog this weekend.  So for a while will be posting twice a day for all of your reading enjoyments.  So with out further adoo, lets get started.

After watching the latest episode of “Criminal Minds” I was talking with the wife about it.  One of the lines that they were using really stuck with me.  See when they finally caught he serial killer he was talking with agent Rossi and told him about he would be willing to be studied for more information in prison.  He knew that the FBI would have a lot of questions for him and he had a lot of them for them.  And the major one that the criminal had was the question of why.  Why was it that when he saw some folks he just thought how much he wanted to take a brick and hit them upside the head with it, and at that time I looked at my wife and said man I’m getting closer and closer to becoming a serial killer just sort of laughing about it.  Then it hit me, with my style of bi-polar disorder it is closer at times than I am even comfortable with.  See unlike many folks style of depression followed by a time of manic bliss, my disorder works differently.  I go from calm ever go lucky Joe, to Frankenstein in two seconds flat.  It’s sort of funny to look back during counseling and realizing that at times during my one hour class that there were times I could cycle about 5-6 times.  That is the scary part for me, because I had never been that type of person before.  See, I had always been the type of person that it took to get really riled up.  I never got mad at most anything unless you were messing with my friends or family.  I just sort of went through life and was happy to be experiencing it.  Then after I got married my life changed.  For once in my life I was responsible for some one else.  No longer could I just sit by and let the world control my actions it was time to take a stand.  And that is when things began to spiral out of control.  Now do not look at me and say that I am blaming my wife for this development, for no way would I do that.  This is my illness and it just happened to raise its nasty head during this time in my life.  If it had not been for her support and constant love even when I am acting like an ass, I never would of been able to make it through this.  So for a moment lets take a step back and see how it all started, who knows maybe it will take you to a better place in your own life as well.

Like I said it all started about the second year of marriage.  Life was going really well had a good job and we were doing very well for ourselves.  Then it it all started to change in a drop of a hat, went from letting things just slide off my shoulders to taking it all personal.  Even though I noticed the problem I would not do anything about it because of the fact that in Wyoming you just don’t get help, you muscle through it.  We are a strange breed over here that is for sure.  So I noticed for a couple months that things just were not right with me but I decided to just muscle through it.  Wrong choice, if this is you, swallow your pride and get some help and get it now.  There is nothing wrong with admitting you need it, and no shame in going out and finding it.  Just get er done, as we like to say around here.  And yet I couldn’t draw myself to getting it done.  Until the one day some younger adults in Wall-mart met serial killer that is dwelling inside.

See, I am the type of person that believes manners are important.  You should treat others with the same respect that you desire for yourself.  A part of me would like to have lived during the wild west, when you lived by respect or some one taught you what respect was.  This was one of those days, almost that is.  My wife and I were walking through Wall-mart, the store of from hell doing some shopping and were coming out of the automotive department and were going through the narrow aisles with blind corners when I nearly bumped into some young men with my cart.  So I said what every one should say when they are in the wrong, “I’m sorry”.  This should be followed with the canned response of “No problem”, and the dialogue is over and life moves on.  No hit not foul, leave it at that and walk away.  Not on this day, God needed to provide me with a wake up call that even my stubborn Wyoming butt could not miss.  The tallest of the young men looked at me and said “Better watch it old man”.  That was the straw that broke the camels back.  See, I believe if you flap your lips you better be able to stand up to what you through out there.  And on that day I about crossed over to say howdy, in a way that the whole town of Laramie would of seen in the papers.  As I pushed my cart out of my way I proceeded to follow them and ask them the not so canned response of “Or what”.  I had reached my boiling point and now this was the time, the place, and the reason to show these three young men what respect was, the old school way.  After being held onto by my wife for an aisle and a half that is when I realized I needed help.  Little did I know that getting help from a councilor or psychiatrist was harder than it looked.

First place we called said it would take a month to two months to get you in.  Hearing those words I replied with the statement if “If I kill some one between now and then do I get in faster?”  Her reply to me was even better “Yes, you would.  Not to see our councilors here but the state funded ones that tend to work in Rawlins”  For those of you that don’t know it, Rawlins is where the state penitentiary is located.  Strike out on first phone call so began with phone call number two.  Same response.  Okay third time should be the home run hit.  Nope, same response.  After the fifth call I found a place that would get me in to see a therapist.  Yee haw I said when my wife told me the great news, she had to start calling I was getting too mad.  So we set up an appointment on a Monday because those were my days off during the work week.  So I hopped in the car that morning and headed over to town to meet this emotional savior that was going to help me get my life back in order.  And if this is the first time you are reading my blog to get to town is a 120 miles round trip.  I arrived early for my appointment like I always do and the receptionist walked out of her office and told me to have a seat and, what ever his name was, would be come and get me shortly.  So I sat in the waiting room and waited.  Five minutes, turned into ten minutes, ten turned into twenty and so on.  I sat there patiently because that is what you are supposed to be doing in the waiting room and believed that maybe he had one hell of a session going on and it was taking a little longer.  Pet peeve number 187 but we will get into that at a later time.  Finally the receptionist walked out and asked why I was still sitting there?  Numerous answers were running through my head, most of them involved four letter words and wouldn’t make much sense so I went with the next sarcastic thing that ran off my lips, “I really was enjoying the elevator music.”  Must of caught her by surprise because the look she gave me after that was priceless, so I had to follow up with the doctor hasn’t come to get me yet.  Come to find out he didn’t know he was supposed to have a visit on this day, so he didn’t bother coming into the office.  I said okay and thank you and walked out.  To say that I was mad would be and understatement.  So I called my wife at home to let her in on what just happened.  But the rest of the story we will bring out for the second round on this day.

Until we meet again remember this, what one person calls a trial others would think of as a blessing.  Attitude controls altitude in life, so change your attitude to fly with the eagles each and every day.